


Coming home

by robliz



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8241401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robliz/pseuds/robliz
Summary: Companion piece to Moving on. Bernie's point of view as she arrives back in Holby.





	1. Chapter 1

Bernie sat in her apartment in Kyiv staring down at her phone. It had become a kind of routine for her. Every night, she would get home from work, eat something and then spend the rest of the evening staring at her phone, daring herself to be brave enough to ring, or even just text, Serena. But she wasn’t brave. For all her macho army medic posturing, she was a real coward when it came to anything to do with love. How Alex had ever persuaded her to start a relationship was beyond her. How Marcus got her to marry him was a mystery. Both of them just seemed to deal with the fact that she ran from them anytime things got a bit much.

And now there is Serena. Bernie felt things for Serena that she thought she would never again feel in her lifetime. And it terrified her. Feelings like this could only lead to pain, she knew that from her past failed relationships. She couldn’t hurt Serena. She didn’t want to get hurt herself but Serena was more important. Yet that was precisely what she had done. The little contact she’d had with Holby since arriving in Ukraine was from Raf. He’d told her in an email about how Serena was a shadow of her former self, how she barely spoke to any of them, how her smiles never reached her eyes any more.  Bernie had cried reading the email. She hadn’t slept that night, her mind running through what she should have done, how she should have stayed and admitted how she was feeling. But she was a coward.

She thought over and over again about what she should say to Serena, how she could make it up to her either over the phone or when she got back. And yet the phone still sat there, untouched. She didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t know how to talk about her feelings and be honest. She had never really had to do it in her life. Serena was so open to the possibility of love and here she was, closed off to every positive emotion.

The hospital in Kyiv was her only source of happiness at the moment. The trauma unit was beginning to come to life and they had started taking in a few patients. The only time that Bernie really felt alive was when she was in theatre saving lives. Yet even there the memories of Serena looking at her over the table struck her and caused tears to well up. A quick shake of her head and her thoughts would be back on the patient.

The secondment was meant to last for 3 months. That was what she had signed up to. So she was surprised when one day, six weeks into the secondment, she was called into the CEO’s office.

“Ms Wolfe, thank you for coming to see me.”

She smiled at him and sat in the chair opposite when he gestured to it.

“I wanted to thank you for all your hard work with this trauma unit.”

“I’m glad to help,” said Bernie.

“I’ve had a phone call from Hanssen at Holby City this afternoon. It seems that you are wanted back there as soon as we can spare you.”

Bernie looked at him in amazement.

“They want me back? Why?”

“Henrik didn’t specify. Just that he would be very grateful if we would release you from your contract early.”

Bernie just stared. Her head was full of possibilities. Was there something wrong with Serena? Is that why they needed her back? Did they need her to take over AAU? Was Serena okay?

“Since the trauma unit is almost fully up and running I told Henrik that you could return to Holby City next week if that is okay with you.”

Bernie’s thoughts continued to run away with themselves. Next week? She would see Serena next week? She was not prepared for this. She still thought she had weeks to figure out what it was she was going to say to her.

“That is alright isn’t it Ms Wolfe?”

Bernie suppressed her overactive imagination for a second. “Yes thank you, that will be fine.”

She wandered back towards the trauma unit in a daze. It was so unexpected, to be going home so early. She needed to let people know, Cameron for a start. Her landlord. And Serena.

For once that evening, she didn’t stare at her phone. She picked it up and actually dialled numbers. Her landlord to start with. She wanted to make sure her flat would be ready when she got back. She knew that he had intended on getting some decorating done in there while she was away. Then Cameron. He seemed really glad to have her home earlier than expected. It was nice to speak to him. She knew that she had neglected him and their relationship with her sudden flight to Kyiv. There had been the odd phone call and several emails but the distance had put a strain on their relationship that he didn’t deserve. She tentatively asked again about Charlotte. Cameron filled her in on what she had been getting up to but didn’t mention whether she was willing to speak to Bernie again. Yet another thing that might have been better if Bernie was not so much of a coward.

It was getting late by the time Cameron hung up. Ukraine being two hours ahead of the UK didn’t always make communication easy but it was useful here. There was still plenty of time to call Serena before she went to bed. Bernie picked up her phone and brought up Serena’s number from the contacts. She was about to dial it when her courage failed her again. She didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t know how Serena would react. Maybe she already knew she was coming home. If Hanssen had arranged this then maybe the whole hospital knew. There wasn’t much point in phoning her and telling her something she already knew.

Dropping her phone onto the table, Bernie crawled into her bed. She was tired but she already knew that this would be a night where sleep wouldn’t come. Thoughts of Serena danced through her mind, along with a strange feeling, apprehension mixed with excitement at the thought of seeing her again.


	2. Chapter 2

The flight back to the UK seemed to take forever. Bernie checked her watch every ten minutes, bouncing her foot up and down to the annoyance of the man sitting next to her. She couldn’t relax, hadn’t been able to since she was told she was heading home early. She was running on about 3 hours sleep a night and hyped up on caffeine which was just making everything worse. She’d eaten barely anything as her appetite seemed to have completely disappeared. The airplane food, normally fairly unappealing, had looked downright disgusting and she had pushed it to one side as soon as it arrived. It was Saturday now, which only gave her Sunday to get everything sorted out before work on Monday. She mentally ran through her to do lists for the millionth time and tried to push the image of Serena’s hurt face from her mind.

Monday came much quicker than she wanted. Suddenly, without feeling at all ready for this, she found herself walking through the entrance to Holby City Hospital. It was still early and the line at Pulses was short. She grabbed herself a steaming cup of coffee and headed towards AAU. She was greeted by a nurse as she entered.

“Oh Ms Wolfe, I didn’t realise you were back!”

Bernie stopped for a second.

“You didn’t know I was coming back? Didn’t Ms Campbell mention it?”

“Not to me.”

Bernie frowned. She was sure that Hanssen would have told Serena about her coming back, wouldn’t he? But Serena would surely have mentioned it to the rest of AAU. Did that mean that Serena didn’t know she was back? That wasn’t good. Nothing she could do about it now though except wait in the office and tell her when she arrived. Then possibly run from whatever fall out would happen.

Sat in her chair, Bernie looked around at her and Serena’s shared office. Not much seemed to have changed. Her desk seemed a little tidier, presumably Serena’s doing. Serena had a new picture of her and Jason on her desk. Jason was smiling broadly but Bernie could tell that Serena’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. She stared at the picture, realising that it was the first time in more than six weeks since she had seen Serena’s face. She was still as beautiful as ever. Bernie’s chest felt tight as she remembered how she had left things between them.

She switched on her computer and began to check her emails. It mainly seemed to be spam or invites to events that had already happened. There was a message from Hanssen asking her to come to his office at her earliest convenience. Bernie finished off her coffee and put it down on the desk. She was about to stand up and go see Hanssen when the door opened. She turned to see who was coming in and her breath caught in her throat.

Serena.

“Hi,” she whispered, not knowing what else to say.

Serena looked at her for a moment then in one single movement she had shut the office door, dropped her bag and launched herself into Bernie’s lap. Bernie gasped as Serena’s lips pressed firmly against hers. It felt as if electricity was coursing through her. Serena’s arms were wrapped around her neck and she brought her arms round to Serena’s back, rubbing her hands up and down, not quite able to believe that this was happening. In all her wildest dreams, she never thought that Serena would just fall into her arms like this. Where was the anger she was expecting? The sadness? She had treated Serena terribly and she did not deserve this. She had to say something. Had to apologise.

Bernie pulled back for a second.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

There was so much more to say but maybe that would do for now. The look in Serena’s eyes suggested otherwise. Bernie let her arms go loose as Serena pulled herself from her grasp and stood up.

“No,” she said firmly. “No. I am not doing this again. No.”

Serena began to back away. Bernie was confused. This had gone from heartfelt reunion kisses to whatever this was in a matter of seconds.

“Serena?” Bernie questioned.

“No,” repeated Serena. “I am not doing this. I am not just falling back into your arms when you reappear, without a word, nearly two months after you broke my heart.”

Bernie stood up and reached out to her. She wanted to say something, to apologise again. But she knew that everything that Serena was saying was true. She didn’t deserve Serena. Serena deserved so much more than she could give her.

“I am not that weak. I am stronger than this, than you. I don’t need you anymore. I spent six long weeks missing you so badly that I couldn’t think of anything else. I am not letting myself get that bad again. I am not letting you affect me so much again. So no.”

Bernie collapsed back into her chair as Serena stormed out of the room. It was only when she reached up to touch her cheek that she realised she was crying.

“Well it is your own stupid fault Berenice Wolfe,” she said out loud. “If you hadn’t been such a coward.”

She grabbed a tissue off Serena’s desk and wiped her eyes. She really needed to pull herself together. She had to go and meet Hanssen. And maybe figure out why on earth he decided to bring her back to Holby when all she would do is mess everything up again.


	3. Chapter 3

“Come in.”

Bernie pushed open the door to Hanssen’s office and walked in. Hanssen indicated the chair in front of his desk and she sat down.

“Welcome back to Holby, Ms Wolfe.”

“Thank you,” she replied. There was a moment of silence before Hanssen spoke again.

“I suppose you are wondering why I asked you to return early from Kyiv.”

Bernie looked up at him and nodded.

“Have you been down to AAU yet?”

“Yes.”

“Then you may be able to work out why.”

Bernie looked at him confused. AAU seemed to be functioning fine, apart from the mess between her and Serena. The ward was clean and the patients looked like they were being cared for. She knew Raf was capable of managing the department and Serena could do anything she put her mind to. Why would Hanssen ask her to return from the other end of Europe for a perfectly functional department?

“Have you seen Ms Campbell yet?” asked Hanssen softly.

“Serena? Yes.”

Hanssen looked at her with an indecipherable look on his face. And then it occurred to Bernie what was going on.

“You brought me back early for Serena?”

“Let’s just say that AAU and Ms Campbell have not been doing as well as I’d like since you left.”

“But…” Bernie was lost for words.

“I’m not blind or stupid. I know some of what went on between you. I don’t need the details, I just need Ms Campbell back to her usual self as soon as possible. I think you might be the person to do just that.”

“But she hates me,” Bernie said simply.

“Is that what she said?”

“Well not in so many words.”

Hanssen just looked at her over his glasses.

“What should I do?” she asked, aware that she sounded like a small, lost child.

“I leave that up to you, Ms Wolfe.  Do whatever you think is best. But I suggest you start with friendship.”

Hanssen turned back to his computer and Bernie slowly stood up and headed back down to AAU. Her head was full of thoughts. So Hanssen knew about her and Serena. How many other people knew? She knew how much Serena hated gossip. Had she left her to deal with the rumours all by herself. Bernie didn’t realise it was possible for her to sink deeper. She was an awful, awful person. She was convinced that Hanssen had made the wrong decision bringing her back to Holby. She should have stayed away forever. Serena deserved so much more than she was offering. Serena didn’t deserve any more hurt.

Bernie avoided Serena as much as possible over the next few weeks. She did her paperwork hunched over in the breakroom rather than in the office. She asked Raf for help in theatre when she usually would have gone straight to Serena. She rushed out the door as quickly as humanly possible at the end of the day to avoid walking out with Serena. She focused on the patients and the patients only. It was fine at work. She could do this. It was what Serena needed.

It was at night when things got harder. At night there was nothing to keep her mind off the hurt she had caused Serena. She knew that drinking away pain wasn’t healthy but it was the only thing she could do. Sleep never seemed to come and she stopped caring.

Bernie let herself be led towards her office by Raf without a fight. She wasn’t sure whether she had anything left in her to resist him. Serena was sat in her chair and Raf forced her to sit in the chair opposite. She sat and stared at her feet. She barely listened to what Raf was saying to them.

 “I don’t care how you sort it out but you need to right now. It is not fair on me or the rest of AAU, let alone yourselves. Remember you were colleagues and friends before anything else. Concentrate on that if nothing else.”

She couldn’t bring herself to look at Serena, to face the woman she had hurt so badly. She shuffled her feet slightly as she sat.

“Bernie…”

Serena’s voice was soft and kind, like it used to be when she spoke to her. Bernie lifted her head and looked at Serena.

“Serena…”

She still didn’t know what to say, how to make it better. So she just stared straight into her eyes, looking for that glimmer of hope. Not that she deserved it.

“I’m sorry,” she said eventually. Two pointless words that didn’t really mean anything.

“I know.”

Bernie wasn’t quite sure she heard that right. Why was Serena being nice to her? Serena’s hand reached out towards her and without thinking she clasped it in hers. The feel of their joined hands produced a bubble of happiness that floated up through her body. She wanted everything from this woman. But she couldn’t. She thought about what Hanssen had said a few weeks ago.

“Friends,” she asked hopefully.

“Of course.”

Then Serena smiled at Bernie and Bernie couldn’t hold the happiness bubble back anymore. She smiled back at her warmly. She continued smiling as Serena go to her feet and used their clasped hands to pull Bernie up with her. Bernie almost leant into her, wanting more, more contact, more love.

Then there was a knock and Raf stuck his head around the door.

“Sorry to bother you both,” he said, “It’s just that we have a trauma case on its way in now.”

“Right, thanks Raf,” said Bernie. She turned to Serena hoping against hope that she was reading the room correctly. “Give me a hand?”

“Love to,” said Serena, smiling. And Bernie thought she might burst with love for this woman who could forgive so much.


	4. Chapter 4

The awkwardness had abated slightly and for that Bernie was incredibly grateful but being around Serena all day and just being friends with her was mentally exhausting. Staring into Serena’s eyes over a patient while in theatre made Bernie’s heart leap and each time they scrubbed in she would be reminded of what had happened after Fletch’s operation, all those months back. Every day she watched Serena sitting in the chair opposite her filling in paperwork and she wanted to take away the bureaucracy related frown by pulling her into a hug. Serena would smile at her over her morning coffee and it would take every last bit of Bernie’s strength not to knock the cup out of her hand and press her lips against Serena’s.

Some days it all got a bit much and she would run and hide in the toilets or the supply cupboard and just close her eyes for a bit. She debated giving in and moving hospitals but each time she thought about it, Hanssen’s words rang in her ears. She couldn’t let Serena down again. Serena wanted her here, as a friend, and that was what she was going to be.

That was why she had agreed to the drink with Serena at the end of a long day of saving lives and pretending not to be in love with her. That and the heat that had come from the gentle press of Serena’s hand on her shoulder. And the way that Serena’s eyes had stared into her own with an intensity she hadn’t seen since their last kiss.

She followed Serena out of the hospital, too tired to pretend that she wasn’t staring at the beautiful woman in front of her. She settled down at the table Serena had selected, her eyes never leaving Serena. She had not defences anymore. The long, hard day had taken everything out of her and all she wanted was to curl up in Serena’s arms.

“Have you got any plans for the weekend?” Serena asked.

Bernie’s mind filled with images of what she would like to be doing this weekend. She would love to take Serena out somewhere. And then take Serena home. Curl up on the sofa in front of the tv. Take her to bed. Show her how much she is loved. But she couldn’t say that.

“I’m taking Charlotte shopping.”

“She’s started talking to you? That’s great.”

Bernie smiled. She loved when Serena took an interest in her life.

“Yeah. I think Cameron spoke to her. She is still clearly not comfortable around me but she likes my money so she will put up with me to get at that.”

It hurt Bernie that this was the truth. Yet another relationship in her life that she had ruined. Why Serena still wanted to be her friend was a mystery to her.

“I’m sure it’s not like that,” Serena said, kind as always.

“It is but it is okay. Talking is the first step to getting back on track and I have that at least.” The double meaning of her words occurred to her halfway through the sentence but she couldn’t stop talking. She looked up and found Serena staring at her open mouthed.

All sense of self control vanished from Bernie’s mind. She gently placed the wine glass down on the table and reached out for the woman she loved. She played her fingers down Serena’s arm, amazed as always at how soft her skin was.

“Bernie,” came a breathy whisper, shocking Bernie out of her movements. She withdrew her hand quickly and looked down at the table.

“Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” And wasn’t that the truth. She wasn’t thinking anymore. Her body was reacting entirely on instinct, the instinct to be as close to Serena as possible.

“I…I’m glad you came back.”

Bernie looked up again into Serena’s eyes.

“Really?” she said, not quite daring to believe that Serena had actually wanted her back after everything. She smiled as Serena nodded her head once.

“I’m glad I came back too.” But there was more. And her tired brain couldn’t resist adding the extra three words. “I missed you.”

She watched in horror as Serena shuffled her chair away from her. She had said too much. She needed to bring this back to friendship. Serena was definitely not comfortable with even hinting at more.

“I’ve never had a proper friend like you before.” It wasn’t a lie. Friendships had been hard for Bernie from a young age. She struggled to express feelings and panicked when people seemed to like her. Acquaintances were all fine and good, and she had made a few friends along the way but no one had ever got even half as close as Serena had.

Bernie let out a small sigh of relief as Serena edged back closer to Bernie again.

“I don’t make friends easily but you wormed you way into my life right from the beginning.” said Serena quietly.

“With my failed attempt to fix your car? How could you resist being my friend?”

Serena grinned and Bernie grinned right back.

“Come over for dinner tonight.”

The grin fell off Bernie’s face as she tried to work out the motivation behind the offer. Half of her wanted to jump on it and say yes straight away. The other half was confused and worried about Serena. She didn’t understand why Serena was asking her over for dinner even though Bernie kept making her uncomfortable.

“It’s just Jason, you know, he missed you. He’d like to see you.” Bernie smiled as Serena stumbled over her words. There was something adorable about the way that calm, confident Serena could be brought down by a simple sentence to a friend.

“I missed him. I’d love to come over, if you are sure that is alright with you.” replied Bernie.

“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Now hurry up and get that drink drunk. Jason will be expecting his food on the table soon.”

Bernie finished off the wine in record time and followed Serena out to the hospital car park. She climbed into her own car and sat for a moment, collecting her thoughts. She was going to Serena’s house. As a friend, yes. But this was definitely an improvement.


End file.
